PS 3515 
.fl575 
P3 
1920 
Copy 1 



^^^ ^ ^lays Qxc 




Aboard a Slow Train in 
Mizzoury 



Price, 25 Cents 




WALTER H • BAKER ^r' CO 
BOSTON 



I 



r 



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For " special " royalties, see catalogue descriptions for 
detailed information. 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 



Aboard a Slow Train 
in Mizzoury 

A Farcical Entertainment in Three Acts 



By 

WALTER BEN HARE 

/^uirior of more than one hundred plays, including : 
*A Couple of Million,' ' "Professor Pepp,''' "A Pageant of His- 
tory,'' ''The Hoodoo," ''Much Ado About Betty,'" *' Teddy,'' 
*' The Heiress Hunters," "The Scoutmaster," "The Camp 
Fire Girls," " The Boy Scouts," "The Dutch Detective," 
"Isosceles," "Twelve Old Maids," "The Beantown 
Choir," "Costume Monologues," "Over Here" 
"And Billy Disappeared, ' "The Adventures of 
Grandpa, " " Grandma Gibbs of the Red Cross, ' ' 
etc. 



NOTICE TO PROFESSIONALS 

This play is published for amateurs only. Professional 
companies are forbidden the use of it in any form or under 
any title, without the consent of the author, who may be ad- 
dressed in care of the publishers. 



BOSTON 



WALTER H. BAKER & CO. ^ 









1920 •*' y-A ^-s.-" /;;, ^ 



?s 



^^-iS 



Aboard a Slow Train in Mizzoury 



WHO IS WHO 



Clarence Angelcake, the "C7i/hui" porter. 

Handsome Harry Squnk, the cojtdiictor, a hero from the feet up. 

SiK Gilbert Darkwood, a hitman wolf with a black inustache. 

MoE Slibitsky, who sells yoit almost for nothini^. 

Lengthy I'im Tuckins, a country, sport, by heck ! 

Little Mr. Doohunker, the constabule of Slab side Corv^-*'^. 

Napoleon Doohunker, aged jj months. 

Romeo Black, a city blossom. 

College Boys. 

Pretty Pauline Petty, the persecuted heroine. 

Miss Tessie Etta Codfish, looking for a man. 

Va[.eska Vamp, a mysterious mystery. 

Sis Hopkins, keep your eye on Sis. 

Aunt Venus Hopkins, 2mth the internal dyspepsy. 

Big Mis' Doohunker, y?Av/ as cute as possible. 

Miss Molecule, a lady teacher. 

Mks. Talcum, a sitiger /;/ the choir. 

Ci'XELiA Talcum, mamma s precious. 

Marjorie Mayflower, /»w« New England, 

Dixie Cotton, /^w^ the Sunny South. 

I^etty Blizzard, /ww up Dakota way. 

Goldie Gates, a California blossom. 

Nancy Brown, /r(?;;z New York town. 

Grips, Boxes, Boys, Gals, etc. 




Copyright, 19 19, by Walter Ben Hare 
As author and proprietor. 



\ 



All rights reserved. 

DEC 22 1919 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The inside of a railroad day-coach on the P. D. Q. 
Raihoad, Eczema, Mizzoury. 

Act II. Same old train travelling from Slabside Corners to 
Rolla. 

Act III. It keeps on travelling from Vinegar Creek right to 
our own depot. 



TO THE MANAGER 

This little play may be given anywhere. It has been 
produced in a large theatre with marked success, nearly 
one hundred persons appearing in the cast, and it has been 
equally successfully given by Draughan's Business Col- 
lege at Springfield, Mo., with no scenery or curtains, very 
little special costuming or make-up, and only fourteen 
people in the cast. It has been given in churches, school- 
rooms and lodge halls with marked success.. 

The specialties called for in the text may be changed to 
suit the taste of the performers, or may be omitted en- 
tirely. Popular songs of the day should be used and it is 
not necessary for the songs to be in character, that is 
Black does not have to sing a " dude " song, etc. 

Rehearse all the action and " business " at every re- 
hearsal, as much of the success of the performance de- 
pends on movement. Insist that all the players keep in 
character all the time, for instance in the scene at the end 
of the second act Sis, Venus, Black and others have no 
lines, but their acting ability can be gauged by facial 
expression, gestures, pantomime work, etc. Always keep 
in your character whether you have anything to say or 
not. 

A good method of advertising is to make use of home- 
made posters showing pictures of trains, funny charac- 
ters, etc., cut from magazines and displayed in show win- 
dows about ten days before the performance. 



COSTUMES 

Clarence. — Large shoes, white socks with red polka- 
dots made of 'grease paint, dark trousers much too short 
and too tight. Blue coat with brass buttons and regula- 
tion cap, if possible. If not, wear white barber's coat and 
negro wig. Black cotton gloves. Use prepared burnt 
cork for make-up. Moisten the face with water, take a 
lump of cork as big as a hazel-nut and make a thin paste 
of it with water, rub the palms of hands together, spread- 
ing cork over them. Carefully outline the mouth and 
eyes with a paper stump dipped in cork, then apply cork 
on hands briskly to face, neck and ears. Leave a large 
mouth exposed but do not use any red paint. Rumple the 
hair and, if necessary, use some cork on exposed parts of 
hair. Wash your hands and put on black gloves. Re- 
move superfluous cork from face with soft brush. To 
wash up, first go over face with soap and water, then wipe 
off with damp sponge, then use wash-rag with soap and 
water and soft towel. This is the regulation " minstrel " 
make-up as used by professionals. Use no cold cream, 
grease or red paint — these give a shiny face and are diffi- 
cult to remove. 

Harry.— Conductor's uniform and cap. Ticket punch. 
To make up, coat the face with cold cream well rubbed 
into the pores. Dry face with towel. Use No. 3 grease 
paint, making strokes down each side of throat, across 
forehead, on nose, chin and throat, then with the hands 
smooth the paint out until it covers evenly the entire sur- 
face of face, neck and ears. The surface must be 
smooth, and the evidence of grease scarcely perceptible. 
Then put red paint on cheek bones high up, graduating it 
to blend with the flesh color. Then powder the face and 
brush off superfluous powder. With a fine artist's stump 
of paper draw a line of black grease paint under the eyes 
close up to the lashes, and another line on the lid just above 
the lashes, then extend these two lines out past the corner 

4 



COSTUMES 5 

of the eyes, making them meet about an eighth of an inch 
beyond the eye. Then rub finger over these hnes until 
they are softened into a shadow. Heat a Httle black 
grease paint on a stick until it is slightly melted, and apply 
to the eyelashes. Brush all powder from eyebrows and 
darken lightly with soft pencil. Accentuate the lips with 
red grease paint and apply a little dry rouge to cheek- 
bones. A touch of dry rouge on the chin will add promi- 
nence to that feature. This is the professional " juve- 
nile " make-up. 

Gilbert. — Handsome travelling suit. Make up similar 
to Harry, but use less red. Black crepe hair mustache 
about three inches long. Comb out a section of crepe 
hair on a comb, so that the fibres all run the same way; 
roll this in the hand to take out the crimp ; pull it until it 
resembles the shape of a mustache. Cut it in two and 
paste on the lips in two sections, one on each side, using 
spirit gum to hold it in position. Hold a towel over the 
lip until it adheres. Then trim and shape with scissors. 

MoE. — Loud travelling suit, white vest and spats, red 
tie, plenty of jewelry. Should be rather stout. Roman 
nose made of nose putty and molded in a natural way. 
Make-up similar to Harry's, being careful to color, the 
nose to match the complexion. Wear derby hat down 
over the ears. If the actor is not naturally stout a beard 
and mustache to match the hair may be worn. The beard 
and mustache should be thin and very little crepe hair is 
needed. Use many gestures and try to give the dialect as 
printed. Moe exaggerates or drawls out his vowel 
sounds; instead of saying Mister, he says Meester, etc. 
Carry a new pair of suspenders in a case. 

Tim. — Tall, thin man in gray suit too small for him. 
Gaudy shirt, tie and socks. Bright tan shoes. Old- 
fashioned, low-crowned derby hat. A country sport. 
Make-up similar to Harry's. 

DooHUNKER. — A small man of about 40. Cheap cos- 
tume. Powder hair and wear gray mustache, whiskers, 
etc. Paint eyebrows gray. Use no red on face. 
Wrinkle face with soft pencil. 

Napoleon. — Aged 13 months. Have this role played 



6 COSTUMES 

by the smallest child who can learn the lines and a^t intel- 
ligently. Dry the teeih and then paint them black, except 
the two front ones, with warm grease paint. Powder the 
face but use no black or red on face. Baby cap of white 
with blue ribbons, long baby clothes. This part requires 
much practice to act like a real baby. 

Black. — Dude part. Extremely stylish clothes. Wishy- 
washy, effeminate manner. Make up like Harry but do 
not use much red. Straw hat and cane. 

Pauline. — Pretty girl. Hair down in curls. White 
and blue summer dress. White and blue auto bonnet with 
large veil that completely conceals face and curls. For 
the third act she changes to another pretty summer dress. 
Pauline and Tess should be about the same size and 
height. 

Tess. — Old maid. Wrinkled face. Old-fashioned 
clothes, funny bonnet, black lace mitts, reticule, etc. She 
changes to Pauline's first dress with the veil concealing 
her face and head. This is a great acting part, especially 
at the end of Act H, when the role must be played in an 
intensely dramatic manner. 

Valeska. — Handsome brunette. Dashing travelling 
costume of some pronounced color combination, as black 
and orange, bright red and white, etc. 

Sis. — Made up like the well-known pictures of the 
character. Hair in two pigtails wired out in curves, and 
parted in the middle. Coarse shoes. White stockings 
striped with red grease paint. Ill-fitting gingham slip 
over calico dress, short in front and longer behind. 
Funny little hat. Folded handkerchief pinned on dress 
with a safety pin. Walk pigeon-toed, chew gum, and 
hump the shoulders. 

Venus. — Old woman of 70. Large spectacles. Wrin- 
kled face. Teeth blocked out like Napoleon's. Old-time 
calico dress of dark material and big " bunnet " and 
" umberill." 

Mrs. Doohunker. — Should be played by large man 
dressed like a country woman. Wig, dress, hat, etc., in 
outlandish style. Do not try to speak in a falsetto voice, 
but soften the voice as much as possible. This role 



COSTUMES 



might be played by a large, stout woman, but it is funnier 
the other way. 

Miss Molecule.— Nose-glasses, travelling coat, small 
bonnet. Very prim and precise. Change to gaudy dress, 
exaggerated hair arrangement, large gaudy hat and novel. 
Make a complete change in voice and character when you 
enter with Nancy. 

Mrs. Talcum.— Aged 35. Pretty travelling costumes. 

Cecelia.— Aged 10. Pretty travelling costume suit- 
able to her age. 

Marjorie.— Pretty summer dress for first song, trav- 
elling dress and hat after that. 

Dixie, Betty and Goldie. — Similar to Marjorie. 

Nancy. — First costume should be similar to Marjorie's. 
Second costume should be similar to Miss Molecule's sec- 
ond costume. 



SETTING 



The stage is arranged to represent the interior of an 
old-time day-coach on the Eczema, Squash Creek and 
Sassafrass Railroad. The performance may be given on 
a stage or platform as desired. A back drop depicting 
the interior of a train could easily be arranged with brown 
cambric or canvas tacked on a frame. Seven small win- 
dows appear in the back drop ; these may be openings in 
the scene or simply painted in. Over each window is an 
advertisement of some local firm who pays for the privi- 
lege. Sixteen ordinary chairs are used, the backs covered 
with dull red cambric tied in place. They are arranged 
in two rows near the back and all facing R. If desired 
the back drop may be omitted and the imagination of the 
. audience stimulated by lack of scenery. This serves very 
well for very small stages and platforms, but the advertis- 
ing display would pay the expenses of a good home-made 
back drop. At one performance small benches from a 
shoe store served as seats. 



EFFECTS 

To imitate the sound of the train, tack two pieces of 
coarse sandpaper on boards and rub together rhythmically 
to make the proper effect. A snare drum in the hands of 
a skillful player can simulate the noise of a departing 
train. A real engine bell is generally easily procured, 
also a whistle that sounds like an engine whistle. 



Aboard a Slow Train in 
Mizzoury 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The interior of an old-time railroad coach. 
For detailed description of the scene see page y. 

{Characters are discovered at rise of the curtain stand- 
ing down front in a straight line, Tessie at l., then 
Tim, Venus, Moe, Sis, Harry, Valeska, Black, 
Mrs. Talcum, Silas, Cecelia and Clarence at r. 
All sing Opening Song directly to persons in the au- 
dience, executing dance-steps, gestures, etc., in uni- 
son. Put plenty of pep in the song and action, wav- 
ing handkerchiefs on first two lines, etc.) 

OPENING SONG 
{Tune: Chorus of ''Long Boy.") 
So long, paw ; so long, maw ; 
So long, mule, with your old hee-haw; 
For I am off to see the sights, 
The city streets and the 'lectric lights. 
I'll laugh and sing and tell some jokes, 
And act, by gosh, like the city folks — 
I'll cut up till I'm black and blue, 
And that's about all one critter kin do. 

So long, paw ; so long, maw ; 
So long, mule, with your old hee-haw; 
We're pokin' along on this slow train, 
I'll bet we'll never git back again ; 

9 



10 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

The engine's broke, won't do a thing, 
They tied it up with a old shoe-string, 
They toot the whistle and ring the bell. 
But the blamed old flivver ain't feelin' well. 

(On the last four lines all take seats. At end of song 
whistle blows, sandpaper effect suggests train in mo- 
tion, all szvay, acting as if on a moving train.) 

Clarence (at r., after slight pause, drawls). Eczema, 
Eczema ! Change keers fer Sassafrass, Tizic, Catfish 
Junction, Turkey Run and all points in Arkansaw. Ec- 
zema, Eczema ! Twenty minutes' stop fer dinner. 

Venus. Boy, is this yere Eczema ? 

(All begin to gather up luggage, etc.) 

Clar. (goes to her). Yas'm, lady, dis am Eczema. 

Ven. (looking out of the windozv). We-uns can't see 
'ary a thing, 'ceptin' a cow critter standin' longside the 
track. 

Clar. Yas'm, dat's it, when de cow moves you kin 
see Eczema. (Calls.) Eczema, Eczema, twenty min- 
utes' stop fer dinner. 

Cecelia. Come on, maw, get a move on. I'm so 
hungry I could eat grass. 

Mrs. Talcum. Cecelia, such language! I'm aston- 
ished at your precocity. 

Cec. Say, you oughta see my appetite. That's got my 
precocity skinned a thousand miles. 

(Silas, Black and Valeska exeunt at R.) - 

Mrs. T. I don't believe that lunch room is sanitary. 

Cec. I don't care whether it is or not, just as long as 
they got the goods. I'm so hungry I could eat a live cow, 
horns and all. 

(They go out at R., followed by Harry, Moe and Tim.) 

Sis. Aunt Venus, ain't we-uns a-goin' to git off the 
keers and stretch ? 

Ven. Git off'n the keers ? Wall, I reckon not. We- 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY II 

uns is goin' to set right whar we is. I ain't aimin' to take 
no chances of these yere keers runnin' away down them 
'ere tracks and leavin' we-uns floundered high and dry in 
a no-count mud-hole Uke Eczemy. You jest set still, 
honey, and git out the shoe-box o' cold vittels. I reckon 
we-uns won't starve nohow. 

(Tessie is nibbling a cracker in the second seat from 
R. Sis and Ven. eat their lunch in the second seat 
from L.) 

. Sis. How would you like one of these yere cowcum- 
ber pickles. Aunt Venus ? I tooken this yere bottle along 
'spacially fer you-uns. 

Ven. Nope, I ain't et a cowcumber pickle in sixty 
years, honey ; they don't agree with my internal dyspepsy. 
Jest gimme a hunk of that corn bread, a couple o' cold 
roastin' years, some of them cold turnip greens and the 
pickings off'n that hambone and I'll be satisfied. When 
a critter gits to be my age they gotta be kinda keerful 
what they puts in their innards. 

Sis. Seems like I'm a-honin' fer sump'm hot, Aunt 
Venus. 

Ven. Now you jest hesh up your talk. Don't you-uns 
go on thataway. We-uns ain't got nothin' hot, and ain't 
had nothin' hot, and ain't a-goin' to git nothin' hot, and 
wouldn't want nothin' hot ef we did git it. Hot food- 
vittels allers start my internal dyspepsy worser'n cat fits. 

(Tess. looks in vanity case, powders nose, arranges 
curls, etc.) 

Sis. Oh, Aunt Venus, what you reckon's the matter 
with that lady? 

Ven. I dunno. Is she ailin* ? 

Sis. She's a-peekin' at herself in the lookin'-glass and 
puttin' flour on her face. 

Ven. Glory-to-goshen, mebbe she ain't right in the 
haid. 

Enter Moe from r., followed by Clar. carrying his grips. 
MoE crosses to l. and takes last seat. 



12 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

MoE. Porter, here is vere I want to set. I don't like 
to set up close by der engine, 'cause ef we have a smash-up 
it's goin' to be safer back here. 

Clar. Boss, if we has a smash-up it ain't safe no 
place. En-gine runnin' along de track dis way (gestures 
zvith right fist) and train runnin' along de track dis way 
{gestures with left fist), en-gine bumps into de train. 
{Brings two fists together.) Blooey! And we all goes 
straight up on a bee-line for de golden gates. 

MoE. Oh, dot's all right. (Smiles.) You see I got 
me a good accident insurance policy, und if dere ain't no 
accident den I don't get no money yet. 

Clar. Yass, and if dey is a accident, you won't want 
no money. 

MoE. Say, couldn't I interest you in my patented 
leedle suspender? It's a wonderful leedle invention. It 
not only acts at all times like a good suspender should, 
but ven it ain't in use it can be used to strop a razor on, 
or to make a swing for your leedle boy, or to make a fan- 
belt for your automobile, or to make a harness for your 
pony, or to make a fancy elastic sash for your wife. It 
has patent adjustable buttonholes and der rubber stretches 
like everything. Oh, it's a bargain, a wonderful bargain. 
It is called the Uneeda Suspender because ninety out of 
every hundred men do. It comes in red, blue, white, 
purple, black, yellow and mixed — und it only costs a 
helluf a dollar. (Gestures.) If dot ain't giving it away, 
vot is it? 

Clar. Boss, excuse me, you can't sell me none. 

MoE. Vy not ? 

Clar. 'Cause when a man's got a latitude like I has 
he don't need no suspenders. 

MoE (looks out of the window). Vot place is this we 
are stopping, porter? 

Clar. Dis yere's Eczema. 

MoE. It don't look healthy. 

Clar. It ain't. Dat's how come dem to name it Ec- 
zema. 

MoE. Have I got time to get me somding to eat ? 

Clar. Boss, you's got all der time in de world. 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY I3 

MoE. Maybe I can do a leedle business while I vait. 
Honest, meester, I got der best suspender vot vos ever put 
on der market. Der hain't nodding like der Uneeda Sus- 
penders. 

[Exit at R. talking to Clar. about the suspenders. 

{Specialty introduced by Mrs. T. with chorus of girls, 
all wearing organdie dresses of various colors and 
black picture hats. Sing something bright and 
snappy and use uniform gestures and dance-steps or 
drill movements. Valeska, Molecule, Marjorie, 
Dixie, Betty, Goldie, Nancy and Cecelia could 
assist in this number, but all shoidd be about the 
same height. At the end of the specialty they dance 
out at L. and r. ) 

Sis {pointing to Tess.). That thar lady's got mighty 
slim eatings, Aunt Venus. 

Ven. Wall, that's all right, honey, she's a mighty slim 
lady. 

Sis. I'm a-goin' to offer her a hunk o' chicken. 

Ven. Don't you-uns be so brash. She'll think you're 
tryin' to sell it to her. 

Sis. We-uns is got plenty and I ain't goin' to be 
stingy. {Goes to Tess.'s seat; speaks bashfidly.) We- 
uns thought you-uns might like a hunk o' this yere 
chicken, that is, ef you-uns ain't overswamped with what 
you got. {Offers her a chicken leg bashfidly.) 

Tess. Why, you dear little thing, thank you very 
much. But I'm not hungry. 

Sis. You hain't? We-uns is allers hungry. And 
that's a right tolerable good hunk o' chicken. My maw 
says chicken is powerful good eatin' when you hain't 
hungry. 

Tess. I'm sure it is lovely. But I'll tell you a secret. 
I'm too excited to eat. 

Sis. How come you're excited? 

Tess. I'm going to be married to-day. 

Sis. Married? 

Tess. Yes. 

Sis. Lawsy-to-goshen, ain't that cute ? My maw says 



14 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

gittin' married is jest like gittin' a gold tooth in yer haid. 
Ain't no gal goin' to be happy till she gits it, and after 
she's got it she'll wish she didn't have it. Air you-uns 
goin' to git married on the keers ? 

Tess. Oh, no. I expect to meet my fiance at Skink 
Holler. 

Sis. Your what ? 

Tess. The man I am going to marry. 

Sis. Oh, I thought it was a new kind of ice-cream 
sody, er sump'm. 

Tess. I'm so excited. You see I've never even seen 
him. 

Sis. Glory-to-goshen, ain't never seen him? Then 
how come you-uns is goin' to git married ? 

Tess. We became engaged by correspondence. His 
name is Mr. Slibitsky and he's in the clothing business. 
And he's never seen me. Isn't that romantic? 

Sis. My maw says there ain't no use in rushin' into 
nothin' blindfolded. Look well before you buy is her 
motto, and taste, too, if ye kin. 

Ven. Sis, what you-all doin' ? 

Sis. Nothin'. 

Ven. I feel a kinda hankerin' fer a hot cup o' coffee. 
Do you reckon we-uns will have time to git a cup of 
coffee? 

Tess. I think so. 

Ven. Then make haste, Sis. I wouldn't git left here 
in Eczemy fer a golden pretty, I shore wouldn't. 

(At R. door.) 

Sis. Aunt Venus she don't set much store on Eczemy, 
on account o' her second husband havin' been borned in 
this town. She hain't never liked it sence. 

[Venus and Sis go out at r. 

{Soft music: "Hearts and Flowers/' Enter Pauline 
from L. She comes timidly in and looks around as 
she comes down c. Tess. watches her a moment and 
then comes to her. End music when Tess. speaks.) 

Tess. Are you looking for some one ? 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY I5 

Paul. Yes, but I reckon he isn't here yet. 

Tess. He ? Then it's a man. I knew it all the time. 
It is, isn't it ? 

Paul, {timidly). Yes'm, it's a man. A nobleman. 

Tess. A nobleman? Or just a noble man? 

Paul. Pie's a lord or something over in England. 

Tess. Ain't that romantic? 

Paul. He said he would meet me here at the station. 

Tess. I knew it, I knew it. I says to myself the min- 
ute I saw you, says I, " Tessie Etta Codfish, there's a 
bride." It was my intuitive intuition. You are a bride, 
ain't you? 

Paul. Yes'm. {Confused.) No'm. I mean, I reckon 
I am. 

Tess. Lawsy me, don't you know whether you're a 
bride or not? 

Paul, {hesitates). Well, I 

Tess. Kinda bashful, ain't you? 

Paul. No, it isn't that, but Gilbert asked me to keep 
it a secret. You see, no one knows anything about it yet. 

Tess. {ecstatically clasping hands). A runaway match? 
An elopement ! Isn't that romantic ? Just married, I 
suppose ? 

Paul. No. We are to be married as soon as we 
reach Kansas City. Sir Gilbert thought it would be bet- 
ter not to tell the folks at home. 
. Tess. Sir Gilbert? It sounds jest like a novel book. 

Paul. He's in the movies, Miss Codfish. 

Tess. Do your folks live in Eczema ? 

Paul. I should say they do. Paw is the constabule 
and the deputy sherifif and the Excellent High Priest of 
the Royal Arch in his lodge, and maw sings in the choir, 
is vice-president of the Epworth League and score-keeper 
of the Thursday Bridge Club, and me — wall, I'm the belle 
of Eczema. 

Tess. I can't see why you are running away. 

Paul. I'm going in the movies. Sir Gilbert says that 
I should have been a movie actress long ago and now he's 
going to marry me and make me a star. 

Tess. Can you trust him? 



l6 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Paul. Of course. He's a moving-picture actor. 

Tess. But maybe he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. 

V AVI., {indignantly). Indeed he is not. He wears the 
loveliest clothes ever seen in Eczema. 

Tess. But you're not marrying him for his clothes, 
are you? 

Paul. Certainly not. I wouldn't know what to do 
with them. 

Tess. Have you known him very long ? 

Paul. About two weeks, but he is an awfully good 
mixer. 

Tess. Don't you think you had better go back to the 
old homestead on the hillside and tell the poor old father 
and mother all about it ? 

Paul, {crying). Please don't make me cry. It makes 
my nose shiny. 

Tess. Your poor old father will be heart-broken 
when he learns that his little daughter has deserted the old 
home. 

Paul, {crying loudly). Oh, he will, I know he will. 

Tess. And your poor old gray-haired mother waiting, 
longing, hoping for the wanderer's return. She'll sit up 
every night looking for you and wondering what has be- 
come of her stray sheep. 

Paul, {indignantly). Sheep? 

Tess. I mean lamb. Every night they'll watch and 
wait, your old tottering father and your poor old motherlyi 
mother. (Paul, gives a sharp intake of the breath as ifl 
affected.) They'll both watch and wait. Are there any 
others in the family? 

Paul. There's Hennery. 

Tess. And Hennery will watch and wait for you, too. I 

Favl. {tearf idly). I know he will. | 

Tess. They'll put the lighted candle in the window 
and Hennery will watch the door 

Paul. And wag his tail. 

Tess. Wag his tail? Say, what i.? Hennery? 

Paul, {tearfidly). Our old watch-dog. 

Tess. Promise me one thing. 

Paul. What is it? 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 1 7 

Tess. Promise me you won't elope with this moving- 
picture hero but return to your httle country home. 

Paul. I can't do that. 

Tess. Why not ? 

Paul. 'Cause we don't Uve in no country home. 
(Sobs.) We hve in a flat over the hvery stable. 

Tess. Heed my warning. Mayhap if you run away 
it will be more than you can bear. 

Paul. I can bear? 

Tess. You can bear. 

Paul, (snaps her fingers as rag-time singers do and 
sings). " I can bear, I can bear, t can bear ! " 

(Dances a little or poses.) 

Enter Sir Gilbert Darkwood from l. 

Gilbert. Stop ! What is the meaning of this ? 

Paul. Oh, don't be angry with me, Gilbert. I can't 
bear it. 

Gil. I have been looking everywhere for you. 

Paul. You're not angry with me, are you? (Emo- 
tionally. ) Say you are not angry with me. Say you for- 
give me. 

Gil. (twisting mustache). Very well, then. I forgive 
you. Did you bring it? 

Paul. Bring what? 

Gil. The jewel box and the papers. 

Paul. No ! 

Gil. No? 

Paul. Oh, Gilbert, don't ask me to take my father's 
papers. 

Gil. We've got to live on something, ain't we — I 
mean, haven't we? 

Paul. Why, Gilbert, I thought you were rich. 

Gil. (takes her hand). Pauline, I am rich. But I 
can't get my money for a few days. You trust me, don't 
you? You must. Everybody trusts me, for a while at 
least. I look honest, don't I? 

Paul. Yes, you do, you do. 

Gil. (looks at watch). I still have time to get the box 



1 8 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MFaZOURY 

and the papers. Whatever happens I must have those 
papers. 

Paul. Why? 

Gil. Ask me not why. It is the secret of my life. 
Where are they hidden ? 

Paul. In the httle desk in the front room, but I don't 
think father would hke it. 

Gil. Bah, what is that to Gilbert Darkwood? You 
tarry here and soon I will return. (Hurries out at l.) 

Paul, (tearfully). He cares more for the papers and 
the jewels than he does for me. Harry would never have 
treated me thus. Never ! 

Tess. (comes to her). Harry? Who is Harry? 

Paul, (confused). Oh, he's a young man. 

Tess. I didn't think he was a goldfish. 

Paul. He's the conductor. He used to be my beau. 

Tess. Ah, ha ! And Sir Gilbert Darkwood has come 
between you. 

Paul. Yes, ain't it awful? 

Tess. Do you still care for him? 

Paul. Harry is lovely, but he hasn't any money. 

Tess. Money? When true love is at stake what is 
money ? 

Paul. And Gilbert is going to make me a movie star. 

Tess. I don't believe it. 

Paul. You doubt his word? 

Tess. A shrimp with a mustache like he's got would 
say anything. You'd better let me take you back home. 

Paul, (crosses to l. with Tess.). But I want to be a 
movie star. 

Enter Harry and Moe from r. 

Moe (speaking as they enter). Den I can't sell you a 
nice pair of Uneeda Suspenders? 

Harry. No. 

Moe. It's a awful good bargain for a dollar and a 
helluf. 

Har. I don't use 'em. 

Paul, (to Tess.). There's Harry. Oh, what shall I 
do ? He mustn't see me here. Where shall I hide ? He 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MlZZOURY 19 

mustn't suspect that I am eloping with Sir Gilbert Dark- 
wood ; it would break his noble heart. • 

Tess. Pull your veil over your face and he won't 
know you. 

(Paul, complies and they sit at l.) 

MoE. Say, meester, you don't know vot a big bargain 
you're missing ven you don't buy a pair of Uneeda Sus- 
penders. {Sits at R.) 

Enter Miss Molecule from r. 

Miss M. (coming to Har. at c). Oh, conductor, what 
time does the train leave? 

Har. Just as soon as we can get the engine fixed. I 
think it has water in its carburetor. 

Miss M. Oh, I hope there won't be an accident. I 
am Miss Molecule from The Select School and I have 
several young ladies in my charge. You won't allow any 
accident to happen to us, will you, conductor? 

Har. Not if I can help it. 

Miss M. Oh, thank you. You make me feel so safe. 
You look like such a nice, innocent young man that I feel 
sure I can introduce my young ladies to you with perfect 
safety. 

Har. Oh, thank you. 

Miss M. You like young ladies, don't you? 

Har. Does a duck like to swim? 

Paul, (to Tess.). Did you hear that? And he told 
me I was the only girl he'd ever look at twice. 

Miss M. First, Miss Marjorie Mayflower from New 
England. 

Enter Marjorie from L. 

Har. Pleased to meet you. 

Mar. (goes to him and shakes hands). You're not 
half as pleased as I am. I just love conductors. They're 
generally such pleasant men and we get to meet so few 
men at the boarding school. I'm from Boston. Do you 
like Boston? 

Har. Oh, yes. 



20 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Mar. Isn't that nice? I'm making a specialty of 
biology at school, all about amoebae and protococci. 
Aren't they the weirdest things ? Do you like amoebae ? 

Har. I don't know. I never ate any. 

Mar. Oh, you're the funniest thing. 

{Sits back of Paul.) 

Miss M. Miss Dixie Cotton from the sunny south. 

Enter Dixie from l. 

Dix. Did you call me? 

Miss M. I am introducing you to the conductor. 

Dix. (goes to Har. and shakes hands with him). Oh, 
delighted, I'm sure. I haven't seen such a cute man since 
I left North Carolina. They're so strict at the boarding 
school. 

Miss M. That will do, Dixie. You sit with Miss 
Mayflower. 

Dix. Oh, just as we were beginning to get acquainted, 
too. 

Miss M. Miss Betty Blizzard from Dakota. 

Enter Betty from l. 

Bet. (rushes to Har. and shakes his hand vigorously). 
Put her thar, pard. I'm tickled to death to meet you. 

Har. You and me both. 

Bet. Do you ever travel way up north? 

Har. Frequently. 

Bet. And don't you think Dakota girls are just 
lovely ? 

Har. Lovely isn't strong enough. They're angels. 

Paul. Well, I like that. 

Miss M. That will do, Betty. Don't be boisterous. 
Sit down and study your psychology. 

Bet. Oh, there are lots of things more interesting than 
psychology. 

Miss M. That will do. Sit there. 

(Bet. sits behind Dix.) 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 21 

Har. I'm beginning to think this trip is going to be a 
success. 

Miss M. And this is Goldie Gates, my California blos- 
som. 

Enter Goldie from l. She goes to Har. 

Gold, {demurely). How do you do, kind sir? 

Har. Quite well, I thank you. 

Gold. I was awfully afraid to take this trip through 
Missouri. I've heard about mountains and bandits and 
road-agents and ever so many horrible things, but now 
that I've met you, I'm not frightened any longer. 

Miss M. Sit down, Goldie. Don't monopolize the 
conductor. (Gold, sits with Bet.) Goldie is such a 
timid little thing. (Gold, grimaces at Miss M.) And 
here is Miss Nancy Brown from New York town. {En- 
ter Nancy from l.) Nancy, this is the conductor. 

Nan. {goes to Har. and shakes hands with him). 
Glad to meet you. 

Har. I'm glad you're glad. 

Nan. Are you married? 

Har. {astonished). Why — er — that is 

Nan. Yes or no ? I can't waste my time being intro- 
duced to married men. 

Har. Well, then, I am not married. 

Nan. Engaged ? 

Har. I don't think so. 

Paul, {to Tess.). Oh, did you hear that? 

Tess. Well, he isn't, is he? 

Paul. No, I don't suppose he is, but he certainly has 
tried hard enough to be. 

Tess. But you've turned him down. Aren't you elop- 
ing with Sir Gilbert? 

Paul. Oh, yes, of course. I forgot all about Sir Gil- 
bert. 

Nan. {talking to Har.). I'm not engaged either, and 
I'm nearly nineteen. Isn't that a shame ? 

Miss M. Nancy ! 

Nan. Yes, Miss Molecule? 

Miss M. Sit down and don't monopolize the con- 
ductor. 



21 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Nan. (sits). I'm down. 

Miss M. Now, young ladies, be on your good be- 
havior. Don't talk too much, don't giggle and do not 
leave your seats. I'll return as soon as I've puixhased 
the tickets. [hxit, l. 

(Har. starts after her; the girls all make a rush foryi 
him and drag him down c.) 

Nan. You can't go. 

Dix. I should say not. 

Gold. Why, we were just beginning to get acquainted. 

Mar. You girls leave him alone. He's mine. I saw , 
him first. | 

Bet. But he likes blondes best. Don't you, Mr. Con- j 
ductor? 

Har. Well, I I 

Dix. He does not. He likes brunettes. 

Bet. But he said that he thought Dakota girls were 
angels, and I'm a Dakota girl. 

Gold. He's going to protect me from the road-agents, 
aren't you? You said you would. 

{All talk at once, pidling him first one way and then 
the other. He enjoys it immensely.) 

Paul, (rises). I can't stand it any longer. 
Tess. (with her) . What are you going to do ? j 

Paul. I'm going to teach him a lesson. A lesson he'll 
never forget. 

Tess. But you are forgetting Sir Gilbert. 
Paul. Oh, no, I'm not. Come, I have a scheme. 

[Exit, R., followed by Tess. 

Enter Clar. from r. 

Nan. He's going to sit v\^ith me. 

(Pulls Har. down beside her.) 

Gold. He is not. (Tries to pidl'him up again.) 
Nan. You let him alone. (Pidling him back.) 
Dix. Nancy Brown, don't be such a pig. 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MI'ZZOURY 23 

Bet. She always wants everything. 

Clar. Ladies, ladies ! {Loudly.) Ladies! 

Girls {turn to him and laugh). Yes? 

{Girls laugh loudly at Clar., who is posing at r.) 

Clar. Dat man is only de condtictor. I am de porter ! 

Mar. Oh, but we like the conductor. Don't we, girls ? 
\ Girls. Of course we do. 

Clar. Ain't no one got a kind look for a poor lone- 
' some orphan porter ? 

Girls. Not this morning. 
I Clar. Ain't dat scandalous? Well, I don't keer. T 
I got a gal way down south in Caroline. She's sweet 
Emmalina, ma gal ! 

{Comedy song by Clar., the others standing behind 
and doing steps and gestures in unison.) 

Enter Miss M. from l. 

Miss M. Young ladies, young ladies, I am astonished. 
Take your seats immediately. Lentil the train starts you 
may exercise your minds by reading eighteen paragraphs 
of psychology, starting on page ninety-eight. 

{All take seats. Clar. and Har. go out at R.) 

Enter Ven. and Sis from l. 

Sis. Train hain't started yet. If I'd 'a' knowed we 
was goin* to wait yere in Eczemy so long I'd 'a' tooken 
more time to eat my vittels. I like to swallered that 'ere 
ham sandwich hull. 

Ven. Set down, Sis, and don't talk so much. I ain't 
feelin' very peert. I knowed when I et mustard on them 
greens and then et that thar ice-cream cone in the depot I 
hadn't ought to did it. I kin feel my internal dyspepsy 
jest a-gallopin'. {Sinks back in seat and groans.) 

Sis. My maw says that your internal dyspepsy is all 
imagination. 

Ven. Ef your maw had 'a' et turnip greens and raw 
mustard and then tooken ice-cream to top it off I reckon 



24 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

she'd know more about internal dyspepsy than she does 
now. 

Enter Tim Tuckins from l., carrying old-fashioned grips. 
He tries to flirt with the girls, hut they mock him. 
Finally he sits down by Moe. 

MoE. Say, meester, vot time does der train start? 

Tim. Ain't no tellin'. You see it's a slow train and 
then the conductor he's got a gal here in Eczemy and the 
train allers waits till he gits a good visit with his gal. 

MoE. My gracious, I'm so excited. If I don't get to 
Skink Holler by six o'clock maybe my vife will marry 
somevon else. 

Tim. Your wife? 

Moe. She ain't my vife yet. I'm goin' to get married 
just as soon as I get to Skink Holler. Und maybe I ain't 
excited. I ain't never seen her yet. 

Tim. Say, ain't you takin' a big chance? 

MoE. Oh, no. I've corresponded mit her for seven 
months and I got her photograph. I'm a lucky man, I 
am. Her name is Codfish und she's got eighty-five dol- 
lars in der bank und a house and lot with a front porch 
und shade-trees und seven rooms all furnished ready to 
begin housekeeping. Say, am I lucky or ain't I ? 

Tim. I dunno. I ain't never seen Miss Codfish. 

Enter Clar. from r. 

All. When is the train going to start? 

Clar. Deed and I dunno. You see we's been yere so 
long dat dere's a corn crop done growed up on de track in 
front of de en-gine and dey can't start de keers until dey 
gather in de corn. 

Ven. Ain't that jes' scandalous? 

Enter Mrs. Talcum from l., followed by Cecelia. They 
cross to r. Cecelia stumbles over Moe's arips and 
falls. 

Cec. Oh, maw, I like to busted my foot, so I did. 

{Cries.) 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 25 

Mrs. T. Now, Cecelia, don't cry. Why, all the ladies 
and gentlemen are looking right at you. 

Cec. {crying). But it hurts. 

Mrs. T. Be still. Do you want folks to think you've 
never had any raising at all ? 

Cec. I never did have no raisin. Not since we had 
mince pies last winter. Who's got the raisins ? 

{They find seats.) 

{Girls study, Ven. knits. Sis chews gum vigorously, 
Tim combs his hair, Moe sleeps and snores, Mrs. T. 
reads paper, Cec. plays with doll. All sing very 
slowly to hymn tune " How Gentle God's Com- 
mands.") 

We wish the train would go. 

We wish the train would go. 

We wish the train, the train would go, 

We wish the train would go ! 

{During the singing Tess., dressed in Paul.'s clothes, 
with veil over face, enters and takes a seat at c.) 

Cec. Mothah, Fm hungry 

Mrs. T. Keep still, Cecelia. 

Cec. But I'm hungry, I am. And I want a drink of 
water. 

Mrs. T. Why, Cecelia, you just had your lunch. 
Have you forgotten ? 

Cec. Yes, I forgotten. I wanna play. 

Mrs. T. You can't play now. You're going away on 
the great big choo-choo cars. 

Cec. I wanna play conductor. 

Mrs. T. Oh, you're too big to play conductor. You're 
getting to be a big girl now, Cecelia. 

Enter Gilbert from l. He carries box and papers and 
sits beside Tess. 

Gil. I got 'em. Just in time, too. They've got the en- 



26 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

gine fixed and we are going to start. (Pause, he looks at 
Tess.) You're not angry, are you? 

(Tess. shakes her head.) 

Har. {outside at r.). All aboard! This train for 
Skink Holler, Ozark, Bodark, Lebanon, Ricketts, Jay 
Center and all points north-north-east ! All aboard ! 

{Whistle blows. Bell rings. Train starts.) 

Cec. Oh, mamma, we're starting. 

Ven. Now mebbe I kin git some relief fer my internal 
dyspepsy. You-uns don't know what a misery I got. 

Enter Har. from r. All sing. 

All. So long, paw; so long, maw; 

So long, mule, with your old hee-haw ; 
For I am off to see the sights. 
The city streets and the 'lectric lights. 
I'll laugh and sing and tell some jokes, 
And act, by gosh, like the city folks — 
I'll cut up till I'm black and blue. 
And that's about all one critter can do. 



{Curtain falls on the sixth line of the song.) 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as the first act. Characters are seated 
on the moving train. Seats all face toward r. In the 
first seat are Mar. and Dix., behind them are Bet. and 
Gold. In the third seat from r. are Miss M. and 
Nan. Behind them are Tess. and Gil., behind them 
are Ven. and Sis, behind them Moe and Tim, behind 
them an empty seat; the last seat is occupied by Mrs. 
T. and Cec. 

Gil. Here we are almost to Slabside Corners and you 
haven't said a word to me all the way. What's the mat- 
ter? Are you angry? {She shakes her head "no.") 
Have I offended you? {She repeats action.) Pauline, 
why don't you speak to me ? 

{She turns from him and looks out of the window.) 

Sis. Aunt Venus, I'm hungry agin. 

Ven. Wall, glory-to-goshen. Sis Hopkins, I'm 
ashamed of ye. You-uns shouldn't eat so much. It 
hain't healthy and it'll give you the hives er sump'm. I 
'clare to gracious I never see sich a critter fer eatin'. 
You-uns'll have the internal dyspepsy like I got, ef you 
don't take heed. 

Miss M. Young ladies, young ladies ! 

Girls. Yes, Miss Molecule? 

Miss M. Look over there in that field. Those gray- 
ish white animals are sheep, and the diminutive sheep 
sporting by their elders are called lambs. Please make a 
note of that. {Girls make notes.) Sheep is the common 
name of the genus Ovis, belonging to the hollow-horned 
ruminant family. 

Bet. How do you spell ruminant, Goldie? 

, (Gold, shows her.) 

27 



28 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Miss M. Sheep furnish the community at large with 
mutton, clothing and other necessaries of life. 

Dix. What kind of clothing is mutton clothing, Miss 
Molecule ? 

Miss M. Put a comma after the mutton, Dixie. You 
are so negligent of your punctuation. 

Enter Clar. from l. 

Clar. Next stop is Slabside Corners. {Calls loudly in 
drawling tone.) Slabside Corners! Slabside Corners! 

Miss M. Slabside Corners? Young ladies, gather 
your things together. We are nearing our destination. 

{Girls put on hats, etc.) 

Ven. {looks out of the window). Wall, I declare, Sis 
Hopkins, look over than Thar's a new building goin' up 
in Slabside Corners. 

Sis. Whar is it? 

Ven. Thar on Hezekiah Bustabutton's place. Glory- 
to-goshen ! that man's a-puttin' up a new pig-pen. Whar 
on airth do them Bustabuttons git all their money to 
squander thataway? 

Nan. {looking out of window). Oh, what a horrible 
little place. 

Miss M. We only stay here seven hours when we 
meet the train going south. 

Gold. Why, there isn't any depot. There isn't even 
a taxi. 

Ven. See here, young woman, I'll have you under- 
stand Slabside Corners is jist as good as any place. 

Gold. I only said they didn't have any taxis. 

Ven. Wall, I dunno what they'd want of 'em. There 
ain't nobody in Slabside Corners could play on 'em, ef 
they did have 'em. 

( Train stops. ) 

Clar. Slabside Corners! Slabside Corners? 

(Miss M., Mar., Dix., Bet., Gold, and Nan. exeunt 
atL.) 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 29 

Sis (looks out of the window). Oh, Aunt Venus, 
what 3^ou reckon ? 

Ven. I dunno. What's happened? 

Sis. It's the Doohunkers. 

Yen. Whar are they ? 

Sis. Standin' right out thar waitin' to git onto the 
keers. Thar's httle Mr. Doohunker and big Mis' Doo- 
hunker and the Doohunker baby Napoleon. Howdy, 
Mis' Doohunker. {Speaks out of the window.) 

Ven. Wall, wall, I wonder whar they're a-travellin' to. 
Sqush over thar a little, honey, and lemme see e£ she's 
gotten a new dress. I ain't seen Rose Ellen Doohunker 
wear nothin' but calico fer thirty year. 

Sis. Lawsy-to-goshen if they-uns ain't got new store 
clothes on from the skin out. Them thar clothes is a 
awful pretty pattern. 

Ven. They're a-gittin' on the train. And she got a 
new store bunnet and a umberill, too. Hain't that scan- 
dalous? I ain't spoke to her fer ten years and I won't 
do it now. 

Enter Valeska from l. She takes the seat left vacant by 
Bet. As she passes Tim she flirts with him and he 
is much impressed, fixing his tie and hair, etc. He 
gets up, gathers up his grips and takes the seat back 
of Val. Enter Mr. Doohunker from l. 

Dog. Come on in, Rose Ellen, and be careful how you 
handle Napoleon. He ain't used to steam keers. Yere's 
a seat. 

(Sits back of Moe, putting grips all around him.) 

Enter Mrs. D. from l., carrying Napoleon. Mrs. D. is a 
very large, strong woman and Nap. is a small child 
of six or seven, dressed to represent a baby in arms. 
The character of Mrs. D. is usually played by a large 
man dressed like a country woman. 

Mrs. D. Yere, paw, you hold Napoleon a minute, till 
I get sot comfortable. 

Dog. Set him on the floor. That thar young un's 



30 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

gittin' as big as his paw. It jes' wears me out to hold 
him. 

Mrs. D. (slams Nap. in Doo.'s arms). You hesh up 
and hold your own infant chile. Jest 'cause I'm big 
you're allers a-puttin' things onto me. (Sits by Doo.) 
Whew, hain't it hot? Here, gimme that paper to fan me 
with. 

(Grabs newspaper from Moe and fans vigorously.) 

MoE. Vot is it? Vot you doing mit mine paper? 

(Faces her indignantly.) 

Mrs. D. (rises). Set down! 

MoE. But, lady 

Mrs. D. (louder). Set down! 

MoE. But I vant 

Mrs. D. (grabs him by shoulders and forces him back 
into his chair). Set down! 
MoE. All right. I'm down. 

(Whistle blows. Bell rings. Train starts.) 

Gil. Pauline! (Tess. turns toward him.) I think 
I'll go back in the smoker. You don't mind, do you? 

(She shakes her head and he rises and exits at l.) 

(Song specialty by Val., all joining in chorus.) 

Mrs. T. Porter ! Porter ! 

Clar. (goes to her). Yas'm, lady, what'U you hab? 
Mrs. T. It's entirely too warm in this car. I want 
more ventilation. Open that window. 
Clar. (fools zuith window). Yas'm. 
Val. Porter! (Screams.) Porter! Come here! 
Clar. Jes' in a minute, lady. 
Val. Come here at once. I've got a cinder in my eye. 

(Clar. starts to Val.) 

Mrs. T. Porter, you fix that window so that it will 
open. (Clar. pauses at c.) At once, do you hear ? 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 3 1 

(Clar. starts back to Mrs. T.) 

Val. Porter, my eye! 

Clar. Yas'm, comin'. (Starts to Val.) I'll fix de 
winder in a minute. 

Mrs. T. Porter, my window. 

(Clar. pauses at c.) 

Val. My eye ! Oh, porter ! 

(Clar. crosses almost to Val.) 

Mrs. T. Porter, PU give you a quarter if you'll open 
my window at once. 

Clar. Lady, money talks, money talks, and all else is 
deef an' dumb. 

(Goes to her, hut when he gets to c. Val. screams.) 
Val. Porter ! Pll give you two quarters. 
(Clar. starts toward her.) 

Mrs. T. Porter! 

Val. Porter ! 

Clar. Ladies, I ain't no human centipede, I's only 
got two laigs and Pm mighty sorry, but Ps gotta go in de 
smoker now and roll dem bones, 'cause I feels ma lucky 
shiver comin' on and baby shore needs a new pair ob 
shoes. Shoot dem craps, roll dem lucky dice, come-on-a 
seben, come-on-a-leben. 

Val. Oh, my eye, my eye ! Porter ! 

Clar. I hear dem bones a-callin'. (Dances to l. 
door.) Ka-zum, ka-zum, come-a-seben, come-a-leben, 
ka-zum! (He reaches door.) Ka-zum! Good-night! 

(Dodges out at l.) 

Val. Oh, my poor eye ! 

Tim. Say, lady, lemme see if I can't got that cinder 
out. (Goes to her.) 

Ven. (rises). You'd better stick seven er eight flax- 
seedses in her eye and that'll run the cinder clean to 
Jericho. 



72 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

(Tim and Val. stand by her seat. He examines her 
eye while she steals his watch, chain and purse, 
showing them to audience.) 

Val. There, I feel better now. 

Tim. Can't I set down yere beside you? You might 
get another cinder in your eye. 

Val. {freezing him). Sir! How dare you? 

Tim {shivers and turns up coat collar). Kinda icy 
this mornin', ain't it? 

{Sits behind Val. and reads paper. Nap. starts to cry.) 

Doo. Thar, thar, papa's honey, don't you take on that 
away. You hesh up, ittle tootsy swootsy. {Baby cries 
louder.) Rose Ellen, you take Napoleon. He ain't set- 
tin' easy on me. 

Mrs. D. Come to muvver, honey lamb. {Takes him,) 

Nap. Ah, goo ! Muvver. 

Mrs. D. Ain't he the little darling? Listen at him 
talkin' jest as sensible as his paw. And him only thirteen 
months old. 

Nap. {reaches forward and slaps Moe on head). Ah, 
goo! 

Moe {turns and plays with Nap.). Coochy, coochy, 
coochy ! 

Nap. {stretches arms toward Moe). Goo-goo, monkey, 
monkey ! 

Mrs. D. Ain't he the smartest young 'un? He's 
callin' you a monkey, mister. He's got as much sense 
as his paw and he ain't only thirteen months old. 

Nap. Ah goo ! google, google, google ! 

{Grabs Moe's hair and pulls it.) 

Mrs. D. He wants you to take him. Ain't him muv- 
ver's ittle aflfectionate darling ? 

{Puts him on Moe's lap.) 

Nap. {puts arms around Moe's neck). Kissie, kissie, 
kissie. {Kisses Vlo^.) 

AloE. Holy Abraham, he's tryin' to bite me. {Rocks 
Nap. to sleep.) Coochy, coochy, coo! 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 33 

Enter Clar. from l. 

Clar. {drawls). Skeeter Junction! Skeeter Junc- 
tion ! Next stop Skeeter Junction. 

Mrs. T. Come, Cecelia, here we are at home. Put on 
your hat. 

Cec. I don' wanna. 

Mrs. T. {putting on her wraps, getting grips, etc.). 
Porter ! 

Clar. Yassam ! 

Mrs. T. Help me. 

Clar. Yassam, right yere at your command. 

{Assists her.) 

Ven. You, Sis Hopkins, ain't you-uns got no sense 
goin' to sleep right on the keers? You-uns is liable to 
wake up with your pocket picked and all your jewelry 
gone. 

Sis. My maw says there hain't no use a-troublin' 
trouble till trouble troubles you. 

Ven. You-uns had better keep awake and watch 
out'n the winder and see the sights. Hain't no tellin' 
when you-uns'll git a ride on the railroad keers agin. 

Clar. Skeeter Junction ! Skeeter Junction ! 

{Train stops. Mrs. T. and Cec. exit at l. Enter 
Miss M. and Nan. zvearing different costumes. They 
now represent two giddy girls dressed in very ex- 
treme costumes, chewing gum vigorously. Black 
comes in from l. dressed as a dude.) 

Val. {rises and goes to Moe's seat). What a pretty 
baby. 

Moe. Sure, he looks just like his papa. 

Val. {sitting beside Moe). Are you his papa? 

Moe. Who, me ? Holy Abraham, no. I'm a bachelor 
and I'm goin' to be married to-night. 

Val. Isn't that interesting? 

MoE. Und it makes me so excited. I alvays git ex- 
cited ven I git married. 



34 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

(Miss M. and Nan. take seat vacated by Val. Black 
takes seat vacated by Mrs. T. Train starts.) 

Miss M. Let's set down here, Nan. This is a good 
seat. 

Nan. Do you know I saw Mr. (insert the 

name of some prominent man) down at the depot. 

Miss M. You did? Where do you suppose he is 
going? 

Nan. Jessie told me he was going to Lebanon for his 
Hver. 

Miss M. {giggles). Going to Lebanon for his hver? 
What's his hver doing in Lebanon? 

Nan. Well, if Mr. is going to Carthage for his 

liver what will Miss do ? 

Miss M. Oh, I know. She'll go to Springfield for 
her constitution. 

Nap. Ninny, ninn}^, ninny. 

MoE. Vot are you calling me? 

Nap. Ninny. 

MoE. I ain't no ninny. 

Mrs. D. Come to muvver. Napoleon. 

(Takes Nap. and gives him a banana.) 

Black. By Jove, isn't it terrible to have to travel in 
a day-coach with such a vulgar herd of common people. 
I'll nevah get over it, nevah ! My constitution is entirely 
too delicate. 

Mrs. D. Oh, is that so? You ought to travel up in 
front with the engineer. 

Black. Ladies and country people and colored 
porters! Oh, I feel faint, I'm such a delicate man. 

(Comedy song by Black with chorus by all. During 
song MoE falls asleep and Val. steals his watch, tie- 
pin and pocketbook, etc. She puts all her plunder 
in a small hand-bag. At the end of his song Black 
resumes seat.) 

Enter LIar. from r. 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 35 

Har. (goes to Miss M. and Nan. in second seat from 
R.). Tickets, please. 

Miss M. How much is it to Shadesville ? 

Har. Sixty cents fare and three dollars and eighty 
cents war tax. 

Nan. Ain't that awful? (Chews gum vigorously.) 

Har. Didn't you get tickets? 

Miss M. Certainly. Lemme see what I done with 
mine. (Searches for it.) 

Nan. There's mine. (Hands ticket.) 

Miss M. I know I had it when I started. It ain't in 
my purse. 

Nan. Look in your satchel. 

Miss M. I never opened my satchel. 

Nan. Feel in your pockets. 

Miss M. Pockets? Who ever heard tell of a girl 
with pockets? Lemme see, now where on earth did I 
put that ticket? (Stands up looking all around for 
ticket.) I must have laid it down somewhere. I'm so 
forgetful. 

Har. Isn't that it in your hand? 

Miss M. (looks at ticket in hand). Why, so it is. 
Ain't I the forgetful kid, though? Say, I'm awful sorry 
I caused you so much trouble. 

Har. Oh, that's all right, don't mention it. 

Miss M. Oh, that's all right, I won't. 
• Har. (passing to Tim). Ticket, please. 

Miss M. Wasn't he the cutest thing? 

Nan. I jest love a good looking conductor, don't you? 

Miss M. (with a long sigh). I wonder if he'll come 
back. 

Har. (passing to Tess.). Ticket. 

Tess. (hands him ticket). There. 

Har. Weren't you with the gentleman back in the 
smoker ? 

Tess. Yes, I was, but I guess I can pay my own fare, 
can't I? 

Har. (returns her ticket). It isn't necessary. He 
paid for you. 

Ven. Sis, vere comes the man arter our tickets. 



36 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Sis. You-uns has got 'em. 

Ven. Where air they ? 

Sis. You stuck 'em in your spectacle case. I seen 
you when you done it. 

Ven. {hands tickets to conductor). Say, how fur air 
we from Vinegar Creek? 

Har. Do you want to go to Vinegar Creek? 

Ven. I don't want to — I have to. 

Mrs. D. Porter, Porter ! 

Clar. {goes to her). Yas'm? 

Mrs. D. Say, porter, when this train stops at my sta- 
tion which end will I get off ? 

Clar. Which end will you get off? Lady, ef you 
don't want to hab a terrible accident you take my advice 
and get both ends off. 

(Har. collects tickets from Moe and Val. and from 
Doo.) 

Tess. Porter ! 

Clar. {slides to her). Yas, lady, comin' right down 
front. 

Tess. Do you reckon the train will stop at Skink 
Holler long enough fer me to git off? 

Clar. We stops five minutes. I reckon you kin git 
off, but you might have to leave some ob dem bandboxes 
behind. You'd orter travelled in the mail train. 

Tess. The mail train? Right with the males? Now, 
you see here, you insignificant, longitudinal, differentiated 
poor apology of a withered turnip, I want you to under- 
stand that I ain't goin' to travel in no mail train. I ain't 
so crazy about the males as all that, and Pm going to be 
married to-night in Skink Holler, don't you fergit that. 
Of course, I ain't got nothin' agin the males, but I like 
*em one at a time and not all in a bunch. Pm just like 

{insert the name of some well known local 

beauty), and I like the men one at a time, one time, day 
time, noon time, night time, any old time — me fer the 
men ! 

Clar. {falls hack as if in a faint). Water, water! 

Doo. Say, conductor, what's the best way to git to 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 37 

{Insert the name of some town near where the play 
is given.) 

Har. The best way to get to ? Well, sir, the 

best way to get to is in a hearse. 

Doo. What's the fare? 

Har. Three dollars including war tax. 

(Doo. and Mrs. D. are standing.) 

Doo. Thar ye be. (Gives him money.) 

Har. Who's that lady next to you? 

Doo. That's my wife. 

Har. Three dollars for your wife. 

Doo. Hay? 

Har. I said three dollars for your wife. 

Doo. All right. She's yours. Sold fer three dollars, 

(Doo. pushes Mrs. D. to Har. She turns and whacks 
Doo. over the head with Moe's umbrella. Nap. yells 
as Mrs. D. sits down on him.) 

Clar. Next stop's Rolla. Change keers fer Seetucket, 
Pawtucket, Bubtucket an' Nantucket. Rolla, Rolla! 
Change fer Elizabeth. Change fer Elizabeth. 

Black. Portah, portah ! 

(Har. collects the rest of the tickets.) 

Clar. (hurrying to him). Right at you, boss. 

Black. What did you say? 

Clar. I said change fer Elizabeth. Change fer Eliza- 
beth. 

Black (hands him a dime). I don't know the poor 
lady, but there is ten cents for her. 

Clar. Ten cents? 

Black. Didn't you say change for Elizabeth? 

Clar. Oh, yassir, yassir. I'll see dat Elizabeth gets 
it. Leave all dat to me. 

Black. Is it a deserving case, portah ? 

Clar. No, sah, it's a beer case. (Laughs.) Change 
for Elizabeth. Rolla, Rolla! Change for Seetucket, 
Pawtucket, Bubtucket, Nantucket and I-tucket. 



38 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

(Shows dime.) 

Sis. Aunt Venus, the train's done stopped. I wonder 
could I go out and gitten one of them thar ham sand- 
wiches? 

Ven. Glory-to-goshen, yere the chile talk. Ef you 
eat another mouthful afore we git to Vinegar Creek 
you-uns is goin' to ketch my internal dyspepsy as shore 
as you're born. 

Enter College Boys. Specialty introduced, either in- 
strumental music, guitars, mandolins, ukideles, etc., 
or a male quartet. They take the vacant seats. 

MoE {leaves his seat and crosses down to Clar.). Say, 
meester, can't I interest you in a nice pair of suspenders? 

Clar. Man, you couldn't even interest me in a peek-a- 
boo shirt-waist. (Sings.) 

Oh, once I had-a money, 

An' life was a joke, 

But now I's hoodooed, 

And I'm likewise broke. [Exit, l. 

MoE (sits with Tim). Meester, I vant to show you 
some nice suspenders. 

Tim (tries to interrupt). I told you once 

MoE (keeps right on talking). Dis is called the 
Uneeda Suspender. (Shozus sample.) It acts at all 
times like a good suspender should, but ven it ain't in 
use it can be used to strop a razor on, or to make a 
swing for your leedle boy 

Tim (tries to interrupt) . I don't want no suspenders. 

MoE (keeps right on talking). Or to make a fanbelt 
for your automobile, or to make a harness for your pony, 
or to make a fancy elastic sash for your wife. 

Tim (talking at the same time as Moe). I don't want 
no suspenders. I got a plenty. You see my Aunt Be- 
linda gives me a pair every year fer Christmas 

Moe (talking at the same time). It has patent adjust- 
able buttonholes and der rubber stretches like any- 
thing 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 39 

Tim, I reckon I got as many as six er eight pair lyin' 
around the house this very minute. Every color, kind 
and description. 

MoE (continuing). Oh, it's a bargain, a wonderful 
bargain. It is called Uneeda Suspender because ninety 
out of every hundred men do. 

Tim. I don't. 

MoE. Uneeda suspender. 

Tim. I don't need nothin'. 

MoE. It comes in red, blue, white, purple, black, yel- 
low and mixed — and it only costs a helluf of a dollar. 
(Gestures.) And if dot ain't giving it away, vot is it? 

Tim. I tell you I don't want none. 

(Tim and Moe argue in pantomime.) 

College Men (harmonise to tune, " Happy Day"). 
How dry I am. How dry I am. Nobody seems. To give 
a clam. 

Sis. They got some right tolerable good ice-water up 
thar in the tank ef you-uns is thirsty. 

Men (sing as before). Oh, say not so; Oh, say not 
so ; Ice-water rusts our pipes, you know. 

Sis. Did you-uns know that I was sump'm of a singer 
myself? 

Men (as before). We are athletes — Go on and sing — 
For we can stand — Most anything. 

(Sis comes to front, makes awkzvard bozv and sings 
with azvkward gestures and decidedly off the key.) 

My bonnie lies over the ocean. 
My bonnie lies over the sea ; 
My bonnie lies over the ocean. 
Oh, bring back my bonnie to me. 
Bring back, bring back, 
Bring back my bonnie to me, to me ; 
Bring back, bring back. 
Oh, bring back my bonnie to me ! 

(Men hozvl like dogs.) 



40 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Sis. You-uns don't know good music when you year 
it, you-uns don't. Why, only last summer the singin' 
teacher said I had a voice like 

MoE (to Tim loudly). Uneeda Suspenders. 

Miss M. (with novel). Oh, Nancy, this is the most 
thrilling book I ever read. It's perfectly grand. Just 
listen to this. {Reads, every one listens attentively.) 
** John's heart beat ecstatically with the joy of his new 
found happiness. Many years he had waited for this 
blissful moment, and then taking Arabella by the hand 
he gazed rapturously into the depths of her melting eyes, 
lit with the divine light of holy love and saw " 

(Pauses.) 

All. What did he see ? 
MoE. Uneeda Suspenders. 

Enter Clar. from L. 

Clar. Telegram for Mr. Squnk, telegram for Mr. 
Squnk. (Passing to r.) I's got a telegram for Mr. 
Squnk. Telegram for Mr. Squnk. 

Enter Har. from r. 

Har. You have a telegram for me? 
Clar. Telegram for Mr. Squnk. 
Har. Give it to me. 

(Takes it and opens it. All gather around.) 

All. Is it bad news? 

Har. (dramatically). Bad news? The worst! My 
Pauline has eloped. 
All. Pauline eloped? 

Enter Gil. from l. 

Har. She is here on this train. With another man. 
Where is she ? Who has stolen my pretty Pauline Petty, 
the belle of Eczema ? 

Gil. (strides to him). Well, what is that to you? 

Har. Everything. Where is she? What have you 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 4I 

done with her? Ah, ha! At last I recognize you, Gil- 
bert Darkwood. I know you now and you shall answer 
to me. 

Gil. I do not fear you. The girl preferred me to 
you, that is all. {Laughs in a villainous manner.) She 
preferred the aristocrat to the conductor, that's all. Me 
good fellow, it's the old, old story. It takes wealth to 
win a woman. 

Har. Coward ! 

Gil. What, this to me? 

Har. Yes, in your very teeth. Well do I know your 
desperate work, Gilbert Darkwood. Your poor old 
mother ran the lunch counter at college. It was you who 
filled her mince pies with sawdust. 

Gil. Discovered ! 

Har. I know you well. You fiend in human form, 
you wolf in sheep's clothing. 

Gil. Bah ! Bah, bah, bah ! 

Clar. Bah, bah ! Dat man is" a sheep in wolf's cloth- 
ing- 

Har. {facing the villain bravely). Again I ask you, 
where is my Pauline? 

Gil. She is there! {Points to Tess.) Soon will she 
be my wife, handsome Harry Squnk, and your days of 
heroism are at an end. 

Har. {pulls Tess. to c). Pauline, is this true? 
{Pathetic tone.) Speak to me, PauHne; one little word 
to say it hain't true. 

Tess. It hain't. 

{Play to climax with tense, melodramatic effect.) 

Gil. Pauline Petty, you forget yourself ! 

Har. Pauline, I will save you yet. In spite of all you 
are my Pauline. 

Tess. No, I hain't. 

All. You hain't ? 

Tess. No ! 

All. Why not? 

Tess. {thr'ozvs hack veil dramatically) . Because I am 
not Pauline Petty. 



42 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Gil. Curses ! 

Har. Then who in tarnation are you? 

Tess. I am Tessie Etta Codfish ! 

MoE. Vot? (Rushes to her and grabs her wrist.) 
Did you say you were Tessie Etta Codfish? {At c.) 

Tess. Yes, I did. 

MoE. Who is engaged to marry Moe SHbitsky at 
Skink Holler on dis very night ? 

Tess. Yes, I am on my way to him now. 

MoE. It ain't no use. I von't marry you ! 

Tess. You won't ! Who are you ? 

MoE. Vomans, I am Moe SHbitsky. 

Tess. {goes to him pleadingly). Oh, Moe, forgive me! 
Forgive me. {Kneels at his feet.) 

Moe. Forgive you ? Never ! Ven you are trying to 
elope mit dot volf in sheep's cloddings, und second hand 
cloddings, at that. Fie don't even vear Uneeda Sus- 
penders. Und I find you eloping mit him ven you have 
corresponded mit me and promised to marry me to-night 
at Skink Holler. Vomans, you have broken my heart. 

Tess. {grovels at his feet). No, no, Moe, forgive me, 
forgive me ! It was only to save an innocent girl from 
the clutches of Gilbert Darkwood. Speak to me, one lit- 
tle word ! Speak to me ! 

Moe. I von't speak to you. 

Clar. Aw, go on an' speak to her. 

MoE. You have broken my heart and thus do I cast 
you off. (Tess. on her knees reaches up and grasps his 
hands, pleading with him.) Go back to your wolf in 
sheep's clothing, mitout Uneeda Suspenders. I cast you 
off. I cast you out. {Throws her to floor.) I cast you 
into the snow. Henceforth, we are strangers. Forever 
and ever strangers. 

Tess. Oh, what can I do? Where can I go? Have 
I no friends ? Will no one befriend me ? 



(Clar. sprinkles paper snow over Tess.) 

Har. Yes, I will be your friend. 

All. You ! 

Har. Handsome Harry Squnk, the hero conductor is 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 43 

always a friend to a woman in distress. (Turns to 
MoE.) And as for you, sir, there is my card. (Gives 
him a playing card.) I am at you-r service, where and 
when you will. 

MoE. At my service? 

Har. Yes, sir, at your service. 

j\IoE. Oh, dot's all right. Let me sell you a nice pair 
of I'needa Suspenders. (Produces sample.) It has 
patent adjustable buttonholes and der rubber stretches 
like anything, and it costs only a helluf of a dollar. (Ges- 
tures. ) And if dot ain't giving it avay, vot is it ? 



CURTAIN 

Note. — Begin to drop curtain on words " adjustable 
buttonholes." 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as the first and second acts. Two Col- 
lege Boys sit in first seat from r. Miss M. and Nan. 
sit behind them. MoE and Tess. sit in third seat from 
R. Ven. and Sis are behind them. Two College Boys 
sit in fifth seat from r. Gil. sits behind them alone. 
Doo., Mrs. D. and Nap. sit behind Gil., and Val. sits 
in the seat behind Doo. Har. stands at l. and Clar. at 
R. Black sits with Val. Miss M. is reading novel 
and all are bending forward listening to it. 

Miss M. {reading). " She bent over his prostrate 
form, her Httle hand cHnging to his. It was all up with 
Algernon. Never more would they wander side by side 
beside the brookside. Never more would they dream of 
the future, now it was all past. He had given up his 
life, his all, for her. But hark! a word issued from his 
tremulous hps. ' Gwendolyn, my life hangs by a single 
thread,' he said. ' Only one thing can save me, and if 
that fails all will be off. Only one thing and that is ' " 

MoE {bending over her shotdder and speaking with 
much emotion). Uneeda Suspenders! 

Miss M. (indignantly closes book). Oh! You make 
me sick. 

MoE. Veil, you don't gimme any appetite your.self. 

(Nap. starts to cry.) 

Mrs. D. There, there, muvver's pet lammie, what's 
the matter? (Nap. cries louder.) Doohunker, go and 
git Napoleon a drink of water. (Nap. yells.) 

Doo. Water? He needs paregoric. 

Mrs. D. Don't argue with your wife. You think jest 
because I'm a pore weak woman that I don't know 
nothin'. Go and git my baby some water. 

Doo. It's my baby. 

44 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 45 

Mrs. D. Our baby ! Now hurry up before I git riled 
and bust this satchel over your no-nothin' haid. 

Doo. Yes'm, I'm a-hurryin*. [Exit at l. 

Black. Maybe the baby would like a banana. 

Mrs. D. Oh, thank you, sir. (Takes it.) You cer- 
tainly know how to make babies stop cryin'. You must 
have two or three yourself. (Nap. eats.) 

Val. (to Black). Would you like to look at this 
fashion magazine? 

Black. Oh, how perfectly lovely. Thank you very 
much. I just adore fashion magazines. 

(Reads it while she steals his zvatch and wallet.) 

Enter Male Singer from r. He sings some popidar 
song and Lady enters from l. and assists him in 
chorus. In the original company the man (dressed 
in uniform of a doughboy) sang "Salvation Lassie 
of Mine," assisted by Mrs. T. dressed as a Salvation 
Army lassie. At end of specialty the singers exit 
at R. 

Tess. And you are sure you forgive me ? 

MoE. Oh, I'm awful sure. Und you promise me you 
von't go eloping mit any more vv^olves in sheep's clodding? 

Tess. I'll never leave you again as long as I live, and 
you'll never leave me. 

MoE. But I gotta go out und sell my Uneeda Sus- 
penders. 

Tess. Then I'll go along with • you and collect the 
monev. 

MoE. Oh, Tessie ! 

Tess. Oh, Moie ! 

(They look at each other and give long sigh in unison.) 

(Gil. falls asleep. Enter Doo. from l., carrying a col- 
lapsible cup of water.) 

Doo. (goes to seat). There's the water fer papa's 
honeybunch. 

Nap. Honeybunch don't want no water. Honey- 
bunch wants a nickel. 



46 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Mrs. D. Jest listen at that chile talk, and hip only 
thirteen months old. Ain't that plum scandalous ? 
Doo. What'll I do with this cup of water? 
Mrs. D. Give it to me. 

{He does so; she takes it, squeezes the cup and spills 
water over Nap., who yells.) 

Doo. Wall, I never ! 

Mrs. D. What you tryin' to do ; drown your own baby 
Napoleon ? 

Doo. I didn't do nawthin'. 
Mrs. D. Set down and shet up. 

Doo. But I 

Mrs. D. You set down er I'll set you down. 

Doo. I'm down. Now 

Mrs. D. Now shet up. 

(Gil. snores. All look at him.) 

Sis. Who's sawin' that wood? 

Clar. Dat man's got de most musical snore I eber 
heerd snored in all my snorin' days. He's a-snorin' de 
Memphis Blues. 

Val. {rises and comes to Gil.). The poor young man. 

Tess. He's a villain, he is. A human wolf with a 
black mustache. 

Val. {sits beside Gil.). Well, anyhow he has an aw- 
ful musical voice. 

Ven. Sis, you hunt around in that 'ere satchel and see 
ef you can't find me some o' them 'ere Pink Pills fer Pale 
People. I feel that internal dyspepsy a-ragin' clean 
through me. 

(Sis searches for the pills and finally produces very 
large pink candy pills and feeds them to Ven., who 
makes much ado when she takes them.) 

Black {calls to Clar., zvho is near him). Boy, come 
here. 

Clar. Right at you, boss. 

Black. I'll have to have a sleeper to-night. I'm so 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 47 

delicate I just can't stay in a day-coach any longer. You 
sell sleepers, don't you ? 

Clar. Oh, yassir, boss, we sells 'em. 

Black. How much would it cost for me to take a 
sleeper from St. Vitusville to St. Louis? 

Clar. De uppers am four dollars and de lowers am 
six dollars. 

Black. By Jove, how can that be ? 

Clar. How^ can w^hat be? 

Black. How can the lowers be higher than the 
uppers ? 

Clar. {puzzled). How's dat, boss? I don't jest quite 
catch de continuity ob your suggestications. 

Black. You said the uppers were four dollars. 

Clar. {counts on fingers). Yassir, dat's right. Upper 
four dollars. 

Black. And the lowers six dollars? 

Clar. {counts). Yassir, dat's a fac'. 

Black. Then the lowers are higher than the uppers. 

Clar. Is dey? 

Black. Yes, two dollars higher. Now why is that ? 

Clar. De lowers higher dan de uppers. Ain't dat re- 
markable? How kin anything dat's lower be higher dan 
sump'm dat's upper? Dawg, if I know. {Sudden 
smile.) Yass, I does, yass I does. De lowers is higher 
dan de uppers 'cause it jes' naturally stands to reason 
dat dey's got to be higher dan de uppers, fer the simple 
fac' dat de uppers is lower dan de lowers. See? 

Black. But there is one thing I don't like about the 
uppers. 

Clar. Yassir, one thing you don't like about de uppers 
— what is it ? 

Black. Why, old dear, you've got to get up before 
you go to bed. 

Clar. {densely). Get up before you go to bed? No, 
sah, you don't. 

Black. You've got to get up in the uppers before you 
go to bed. 

Clar. {laughs). Lawsy, boss, dat's a fac', dat shore is 
a fac'. Yassir, and when you get ready to retire, boss, 



48 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

I'll take steps to put you to bed. {Laughs loudly.) 
Unnerstand? I'll take steps to put you to bed. Lawsy, 
lawsy, ef you hain't jes' de jokinis' man I ever seen! 

{Goes out at l. laughing.) 

Enter Tim from r. He sings popular rural song with 
chorus hy Mar., Dix., Bet. and Gold., dressed as 
farm hoys in overalls, white shirts, red bandanas and 
big straw hats. If this costume is objectionable use 
calico aprons, sunbonnets, curls, etc., but the first 
suggestion never fails to make a big hit with audi- 
ences. Others on stage may assist in the chorus. 
At end of specialty Tim and the four girls dance off 
at R. " How You Gonna Keep 'Em Dozvn on the 
Farm " was the sojtg used in the original produc- 
tion. During the song Val. steals Gil.'s valuables, 
including the jewel box and the papers. 

Tess. {after specialty). What time will we reach 
Skink Holler, Moie, dear? 

MoE. At helluf past eight, sveetheart. 

Tess. And what time is it now ? 

MoE. Wait, I'll see. {Looks for his watch; lets out 
a big yell.) Help, murder, fire, police, stop der cars, 
robbers, stop der train. I've been robbed. 

All. Robbed? (They gather around him.) 

MoE. My vatch, my nice nickel-plated, almost-gold 
vatch vot my grandfadder brought over from Russia mit 
him and gife to me fer a wedding present has been stole. 

Black. My goodness gracious Agnes, my watch has 
been stolen, too. {Feels for pin.) And my scarf pin 
and my money purse and everything. Ain't it awful ! 
My, I'm so excited. 

MoE. Oh, Fader Abraham, my money is also gone. 
Dirty-seven dollars and dirty-eight cents. Stolen. Po- 
lice ! Conductor ! Stop the train, I've been robbed. 

Tim. I've been robbed too. Lost every cent and all 
my jewelry, by heck ! 

Gil. Sa have I. There's some clever thief on board 
this train. 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 49 

Har. Stop ! 

MoE. Vy must ve stop? 

Har. To see if we can find the missing plunder. 
Every one must be searched. 

Sis. Oh, lookee outa the winder. There's a FHvver 
that's racin' with our train. They been foUerin' us fer 
about a mile and are jest cotchin' up with us. 

(All look out of the window.) 

Doo. It's a woman driving. 

Mrs. D. You shet up and set down and don't be 
lookin' at the women. Ain't I enough? 

Clar. Look at her go, look at 'er comin' down dat 
hill. Come on, ole Flivver, I'll bet ma money on you ! 

Tess. We are going faster, too. The engineer sees 
she is racing him -and is putting on more steam. 

Sis. She's ketchin' up. She's ketchin' up. 

Ven. What's she a-wavin' her arms thataway fer? 

Har. She wants us to stop. (Pause, looks closer.) 
What do I see ? It's Pauline ! 

All. Pauline ? 

Har. Porter, run up and tell the engineer to stop the 
car. [Ej^it Clar., l. 

Gil. I'm run to earth ! (Starts to exit. ) 

Har. Stop ! 

Gil. Foiled again ! 

Har. You'll stay right where you are until Pauline 
arrives. 

(Train stops.) 

Doo. Say, what they stoppin' the train fer? We 

won't git to (insert the name of the town where 

the play is being given) till way after supper. 

Sis (looking out of window). She's a-gittin' out of 
the Flivver. She's gittin' on the train. 

Ven. Glory-to-goshen, I ain't seen so much excite- 
ment sence old man DeNune kicked his wife in the lime- 
kiln back in Vinegar Creek. 

Enter Clar. from L. 



50 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

Clar. Yere she is, boss. Miss Pauline Petty, de belle 
ob Eczema. 

Enter Pauline from l. 

Paul, {goes to Har.). Harry, are you safe? 

Har. Sure. In the last act the hero is always safe. 

Paul, {turns to Gil.). So, Sir Gilbert Darkwood, I 
have found you out at last. 

Gil. What do you mean found me out ? 

Paul. I mean that you have deceived me. You are 
no moving-picture actor. 

Gil. How do you know that ? 

Paul. Because you ain't looking at the camera. 

Gil. Curses, I am discovered! 

Paul. You tried to force me to elope with you and 
well you know that you have a wife, four children, a flat 

and a bulldog on {insert name of some street in 

your home town) in {insert name of home town). 

Gil. You are not going to throw me into prison, are 
you? Be merciful as well as beautiful. Pauline Petty, 
the belle of Eczema, Mizzoury, could not be cruel even if 
she tried. 

Paul. Then return to me my jewels and me father's 
papers. 

Har. {seizes him). What! You stole her jewels and 
her father's papers? Base scoundrel, that shall be your 
last desperate deed. {Forces him to his knees.) 

Gil. Mercy, mercy! 

Har. No, me heart is stone, I'll show you no mercy. 

Paul. Hold, Harry, hold your hand. For my sake 
release him. 

Har. For your sake ? 

Paul. For my sake ! 

Clar. For goodness' sake I 

Har. Very well, I will do as you wish. Arise, Sir 
Gilbert Darkwood, you are free. 

Paul. But you gotta make him gimme me jewels and 
paw's papers. 

Gil. Very well. I'll consent to your demands. There 
are your papers. {Hands laundry slip to Har.) 



ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 5 1 

Har. (reads). Troy Laundry Company, three shirts, 
four collars, six socks, two etceteras, total eighty-seven 
cents. 

Paul. Them hain't paw's papers. 

Har. (tears up slip and throws it in GiL.'s face). No, 
them hain't paw's papers ! 

Gil. (feeling in pockets). I have been robbed. The 
jewels and the papers are gone ! 

MoE. Sure, so is my vatch. 

Tim. And my money. 

Black. And my wallet. 

Men. We've all been robbed. 

Paul. Oh, father's papers have been stolen. Am I 
always to be persecuted like this ? It's hard ! It's hard ! 
Who has stolen paw's papers ? 

Val. I have ! 

All. You? Who are you? 

Val. Valeska Vamp, the celebrated lady detective. 

Clar. Is you one ob dem defectives ? 

Val. I knew that man had your father's papers. In 
order to get them and keep them safe it was necessary to 
rob all the men. (Takes plunder, from bag.) There's 
your watch and belongings. (Hands things to Moe.) 

MoE. Suffering Rachael ! I got my vatch back again, 
und also my belongings. 

Val. (to Tim). And yours — (to Black) and yours! 

Paul. But where are me jewels and where are me 
paw's papers? [Exit Clar. at u 

Val. (hands them to her). There! They were safe 
in my keeping. 

Paul. Saved, saved! Now, Harry, we can be mar- 
ried at last. These papers prove that I am the heiress of 
the Golden Valley mine and that man (points to Gil.) 
knew the fatal secret and tried to win a fortune. But it is 
yours, handsome Harry Squnk. Take it and with it take 
the hand of pretty Pauline Petty, the belle of Eczema, 
Mizzoury. 

Enter Clar. from l. 

Clar. (drawling the name of your home town), 
! Last stop ! All out f er ! 



52 ABOARD A SLOW TRAIN IN MIZZOURY 

(Every one makes a wild rush for grips, hats, etc. The 
orchestra plays a lively air. Characters all march 
down from stage into the audience.) 

Sts {in audience). Lawsy, glory-to-goshen, ef there 
hain't maw settin' over there waitin' f er me to come in on 
the keers. 

Doo. Napoleon, thar's yer kin-folks. Howdy, Mister 

, Howdy, Mis' , we done been travellin' all 

evening but we shore air glad to be home at last. 

Tim. And there's my gal waitin' fer me. (Points to 
some one in the audience.) I had a great time down in 
the city, but I certainly am glad to see you home folks all 
agin. 

(Note. — Characters all greet people in the audience 
as they walk up the aisle to the rear, making charac- 
teristic remarks all the time, as suggested above. 
The actors all gather in the rear of the auditorium 
and sing.) 

All (sing). 

So long, paw; so long, maw; 
So long, mule, with your old hee-haw ; 
We poked along on the old slow train, 
We shore are glad to git home again ; 
The engine's broke, won't do a thing, 
They tied it up with a old shoe-string ; 
We hope that you had a good time, too ; 
And that's about all us critters kin do ! 



CURTAIN 



Should be played by 
boys sixteen ajid 
seventeen years 
old. 



A REGULAR RAH I RAH ! BOY 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Fourteen male characters, sixteen or seventeen years old. Costumes, 
modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and three-quarters. An 
ingenious and interesting story of football politics, into the plot of which 
the »« movies " enter as a detective agency. Fred Williamson's unex- 
pected talents as a photo-play comedian get him into all kinds of trouble. 
Full of the true college atmosphere, lively, bright and a sure hit. Strongly 
recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 
Le Roy Briggs, captain of the football team 
Sam Bigelow, centre 
Fred Williamson, quarter back 
Harold Smith, half back 
Philip Ainsworth, sub 
Dick Colton, sub. 
Russell Sydney ) 

Leonard Ferguson I Juniors. 
Stephen Reynolds ) 

Clayton Ki^g, football coach and instructor in Milf or d Ac ade^ny. 
Murphy, trainer. 
Mr. Deane, an instructor. 

Alexander Norton, Manager of the Star Moving Picture Theatre. 
Jimmy Colton, Dick' s little brother, " a regular rah I rah! boy.'' 
Extra schoolboys and visitors for acts two and three. 

ON THE QUIET 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Twelve male characters. Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. 
Plays an hour and a half. A picturesque and exciting story of the 
Maine Woods. Some Dartmouth freshmen, camping out, become the 
victims of a practical joke by one of their number who tires of the unex- 
citing life of the camp. They discover a note telling of a brutal murder 
in the woods and in their pursuit of the criminal through clews ingeniously 
furnished by the joker, they get a lot of inoffensive people into a Sad 
mix-up, with the aid of Jeremiah Hincks, a rustic Sherlock Holmes. 
Very swift and lively and strongly recommended. Price^ 2S cents 

HIRAM JONES' BET 

A Farce in One Act 
By May E. Countryman 
One male, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an interior- 
Plays twenty minutes. Hiram Jones, an incurable maker of bets, in 
veigles two ladies into making wagers with him in regard to the loan of a 
patent egg-beater ; he thinks that he has a safe thing on both, but dis- 
covering his plot, the ladies get together and so arrange matters that he 
loses both bets. Very lively, bright and funny and a sure thing with an 
audience. Price, 75 cents 



WILLOWDALE 

A Play in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Seven males, five foi 

males. Scenery, two easy interiors ; costumes, modern. This is a play (2 
exceptional interest and power. Admirably suited for amateur perforn? 
ance, all the parts being good. Godfrey is an admirable heavy part, Joei 
Lem and Simon capital character parts, Mis' Hazey a novel eccentric bit, 
and Oleander a part of screaming comedy. Plays two hours and a quarter. 
PricCy 2^ cents 

THE VILLAGE SCHOOL MA'AM 

A Play in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, five females. 
Costumes, modern ; scenes, an interior and an exterior, or can be played in 
two interiors. Plays two hours or more. Combines a strong sympathetic 
interest with an abundance of comedy. The parts are unusually equal in 
opportunity, are vigorously drawn and easily actable. No dialect parts, 
but plenty of variety in the comedy roles and lots of amusing incident. 
Can be strongly recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

BAR HAVEN 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Gordan V. May Six males, five females 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors and an exterior, not difficult, 
Plays two hours. An excellent piece, mingling a strongly serious interest 
with abundant humor. Offers a great variety of good parts of nearly 
equal opportunity. Admirably suited for amateur performance, and 
strongly recommended. Price, 2_s cents 

DOWN IN MAINE 

A Drama in Four Acts by Charles Townsend. Eight male, four female 
characters. This play has no villains, no tangled plot nor sentimental 
love scenes; yet the climaxes are strong, the action brisk, and the humor 
genial, and the characters strongly drawn. Can be played in any hall ; 
scenery, of the easiest sort. Properties, few and simple ; costumes, 
modern. Plays a full evening. Strongly recommended. Price, 2j cents 

HIGBEE OF HARVARD 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Charles Townsend. Five males, 
four females. Modern costumes ; scenes, two interiors and an exterior — 
the latter may be played as well in an interior, if preferred. Plays a full 
evening. A clever, up-to-date piece, well suited for amateur performance. 
No small parts; all good. Good plot, full of incident, no love-making, 
interest strong and sustained. Price, 13 cents 

HOW JIM MADE GOOD 

A Comedy Drama in Four Acts by Charles S. Bird, Seven males, 
three females ; two male parts can be doubled. Costumes, modern \ 
scenery, three interiors. Plays two hours. An unusually sympathetic 
play, well suited to amateurs. Clean and easy to get up. Recommeudei? 
to high schools. All the parts are good. Pricey aS <^^*^^^ 



THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dalrymple. Six males, three 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors, or can be played in 
one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting piece, full of action 
and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Carter's little joke of im- 
personating the colored butler has unexpected consequences that give him 
«* the time of his life." Very highly recommended for high school per- 
formance. Price^ 2^ cents 

THE COLLEGE CHAP 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Harry L. Newton and John 
Pierre Roche. Eleven males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
two interiors. Plays two and a half hours. An admirable play for ama- 
teurs. Absolutely American in spirit and up to date ; full of sympathetic 
interest but plenty of comedy ; lots of healthy sentiment, but nothing 
" mushy." Just the thing for high schools ; sane, effective, and not dif- 
ficult. Price^ 2^ cents 

THE DEACON'S SECOND WIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Allan Abbott. Six males, six females, 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exterior. Plays two houri 
and a half. A play of rural life specially written for school performance 
All the parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and the piece is full 
of laughs. Easy to produce ; no awkward sentimental scenes ; can b« 
strongly recommended for high schools. Pricey 2j cents 

THE TEASER 

A Rural Comedy in Three Acts by Charles S. Allen. Four male, three 
female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for all three acts ; 
costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. An admirable play for 
amateurs, very easy to get up, and very effective. Uraliah Higgins, a 
country postman, and Drusilla Todd are capital comedy parts, introducing 
songs or specialties, if desired. Plenty of incidental fun. 
Price, 2^ cents 

COUNTRY FOLKS 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills, Six males, five 
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one interior. Plays two and a 
quarter hours. An effective and up-to-date play well suited for amateur 
performance. All the parts good and fairly even in point of opportunity ; 
the ladies' parts especially so. Easy to stage, and well suited for schools. 
Well recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

A Farce in Two Acts by Bertha Currier Porter, Five males, eight fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays one and a hall 
hours. An exceptionally bright and amusing little play of high class and 
recommended to all classes of amateur players. Full of action and 
laughs, but refined. Irish low comedy part. Strongly endorsed 
Price, 2S cents 



TEDDY, OR, THE RUNAWAYS 

A (^omedy in Three Acts 

By Walter' Ben Hare 

{^Originally produced at the Waldorf-Astoria, New York City, 

February j6, jgi2. ) 
Four males, four females. Scenery, a single interior , costumes, mod 
ern. Plays two and a quarter hours. An eloping couple take refuge with, 
the Junipers when their auto breaks down. The lady explains that they 
are being pursued by her brothers, so when a sheriff and posse arrive in 
pursuit of two thieves, Mrs. Juniper locks them down cellar to let the 
lovers escape. The sheriff gets out and arrests the Junipers whom he 
accuses of being the thieves. It finally appears that the lady is an author- 
ess and that she and her husband are posing as thieves in order to get ma- 
terial for a novel. Full of action ; characters all good ; lots of comedy ; 
strongly recommended. 

Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 
Jean MacLean, Little Miss Fixit. 
Mrs. Juniper, a Young Wife. 
Victoria, the Girl in the Taxi. 
Tex AN A, the Girl of the Golden West. 
Max Juniper, the Perplexed Husband. 
Alonzo Willing, the Fortime Hunter. 
Ted Keegan, the Man on the Box. 
Sheriff Jim Larrabee, Officer 666. 
Two Deputy Sheriffs 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Living room at Max Juniper's house on a Texas ranch. 
Spring time. 

Act II. — Same as Act I. The great diamond robbery. 
Act III.— Same as Acts I and II. The thunderbolt. 



WANTED— A PITCHER 

A Farce in One Act 

By M. N. Beebe 
Eleven males. Scenery not important ; costumes, modern. Plays half an 
hour. Hank Dewberry, the crack pitcher of the home nine, is kept from 
the championship game by his skinflinl father who wants him to do the hay- 
ing. Hank's friends try to find a substitute pitcher, with humorous but 
unsatisfactory results. The elder Dewberry finally releases Hank when 
one of the players shows him how to win the county championship at 
checkers, on which he sets his heart. Hebrew, Irish, Italian and " hay- 
seed " comedy character parts. Recommended. 
Price, /jr cents 






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The Americana 

Anita's Trial 

Art Clubs are Trumps 

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Joint Owners in Spain 

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Wanted— A Pitcher 

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The District School at Blueberry 

Corners 
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Miss Prim's Kindergarten 
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The Village Post-Office 
Women In War 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 



LIBRARY OF^CONGRESS 



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25c 


Special 


M The Man Without a Country 


46 


5 


I>^ 


«< 


'25c 


Free 


J Master Pierre Patella 




4 


I 


IK 


<« 


50c 


(1 


< Me and Otis 




5 


4 


2 


« 


15c 


« 


j The Minute Man 






13 


IK 


«« 


25c 


« 


3 Mose 




II 


10 


I^ 


« 


15c 


<« 


1 Mr. Bob 




3 


4 


I>^ 


«< 


'5c 


<« 


j Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard 


4 


7 


2 


<« 


25c 


(• 


J Nathan Hale 




'§ 


4 


2/2 


« 


50c 


310.00 


^ Nephew or Uncle 




i 


2 


« 


25c 


Free 


M Professor Pepp 




8 


2^ 


« 


25c 


<« 


3 A Regiment of Two 




6 


4 


2 


(« 


25c 


M 


S The Revenge of Sharl-Hot-Sa 


3 


4 


IX 


« 


15c 


<« 


M The Rivals 




9 


5 


2^ 


*t 


15c 


(( 


2 The Romancers 




5 


I 


2 


41 


25c 


U 


% The Rose and the Ring 




ig 


5 


IK 


«< 


25c 


*4 


M Sally Lunn 




3 


4 


I^ 


« 


25c 


U 


2 The School for Scandal 




12 


4 


2>^ 


« 


15c 


(« 


11 She Stoops to Conquer 




'5 


4 


&2 


« 


'Sc 


(( 


M Step Lively 




4 


10 


2 


« 


25c 


M 


J The Submarine Shell 




7 


4 


2 


<« 


25c 


Special 


H The Thirteenth Star 






9 


'K 


« 


25c 


Free 


^ The Time of His Life 




6 


3 


2>^ 


<« 


25c 


« 


2 Tommy's Wife 




3 


5 


I^ 


« 


25c 


M 


^ The Twig of Thorn 




6 


7 


I>^ 


« 


60c 


M 


« For «« special' 


' royaltie 


s, see 


catalogue descript 


ions for 




2 


detailed information. 








2 BAKER, 5 


Hamilton 


Place, Boston^ 


t Mass* 1 


3 














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